COLOMBIANA (2011)

TMG Scale 9.0   P Factor 1.0
Starring Zoe Saldana, the late Michael Showers (see last weeks show tribute), Lennie James, Cliff Curtis

TMG: Awesome and fun!  Fast paced cool action. Think Mission Impossible (1996), Bourne Identity (2002), Salt (2010) and any favorite drug lord movie of your choice…and you have Colombiana. Pure great Hollywood entertainment and not too much blood and gore.  They did work in one guy urinating (at least in a bathroom this time) before he gets whacked.  I guess this scene fits a bit because no guy likes to get hassled, let alone whacked,  while taking a pee.

I know Joy Lynn is 180 degrees the other side of this film from me. I can only explain that by saying she had a bad experience at the shoe store the other day—really, I have zero clue. This movie is darn near epic fun! From the grainy, sepia looking and hot helicopter fly overs of Colombia in 1992 at the start,  to the incredible assasination scene choreography, I just loved it.  The foot chase through the slums of Colombia to get young Cataleya were the best I have ever seen. Even ten year old  Cataleya “giving up” her  microdisk on the desk at the U.S. embassy was pure grit.  Sure,  young Cataleya escapes U.S. custody by climbing out a bathroom window.  Note to US Marshals: Never leave your prisoner unguarded in a bathroom with a large window.

Grown up at 25, Cataleya cats about (I could not resist) Los Angeles seeking to kill all the drug related thugs who killed her father and mother back in Colombia. She has taken lots of self defense and killer  training from Matt Damon and Tom Cruise. Seducing her way into a jail, killing one and getting back out clean was pure marvel. However, do any jails today really have those huge air vents that adults can climb through and escape to an alley where no one is watching?  I doubt it.  Also, her Uncle Emilio (Curtis) does not age a single day in the intervening fifteen years. It must be the good drugs he has access to.  And sure there was a dumb scene in Cataleya’s apartment just thrown in for erotic value. Hey, me and 1oo million other guys will let that one slip with minimal criticism. She also fails to properly chamber a round after inserting a clip in an automatic handgun in one jail shoot out.  She’s so hot and cool though–the bullet  probably chambered itself.  Later in a gun battle,  one casing bounces and it is clearly rusty and has a dent in it.  My buddy Mitch and I will tell you no way that will occur in the real world.  A silly mistake. And of course the ultimate fairly tale—a hot black babe like Cataleya with a white boyfriend? Now that is really pushing the fiction envelope.

I will admit, Cataleya had everything figured out perfectly and her kill plans ticked by like a Swiss watch. I loved the foreshadowing of how feeding her dogs would later come into play.  It was obvious,  but great fun waiting in anticipation.

I just though this film was pure fun. Excitement and danger with the bad guys getting their due is something I cheer for. If you liked SALT (2010)…this film is salt in the wounds. Try it!

Joy Lynn: I have to disagree with TMG’s rating on this movie.  It is not an awesome movie by my standards, however guys wanting to watch a female action figure in a cat suit and black longerie slink around with massive gun power this is movie for you.  I have no doubt TMG loved this movie for that exact reason. Zoe Saldana plays a hot, but very skinny female named Cataleya who witnessed the killing of her parents when she was young.  I found the plot to be basically non- existent.  I have seen the same sleezey drug lords many times before.  This is a story about revenge.  That’s all.  Nothing more.  Killing by day and by night.  Cataleya kills, changes clothes, and kills again and finds time for a quickie with a male friend who we never really get to know.  Ladies, there are better movies to spend your time and money on.  This is not the one!

Oh, and for those of you who listened to the radio show last week, our count down of 2011 movies where men urinate in full view has increased by one more.   Thanks Hollywood.

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